Diary of One Who Has Lost
by SirCharlesIII
Summary: To many, the day the universe stood together to defeat the Reapers was one to celebrate. To others, it was a day of mourning. Many good men and women were lost in the battle. These are the diary entries of one who has lost the most in her comparably short life.


[So… ]

December 21, 2186

1900 hours

Garrus said that I should write one of those "diary" things that he always hears humans go on about in the vids. Apparently you're supposed to write about your problems and crushes or something. I don't really get the point. But if it helps, why not?

Where do I begin?

Well, the Normandy's stranded on some planet that no one can tell what it is. All communication is down. I suppose the blast took down any broadcasting equipment that was currently up at the time. I'm sure that'll be fixed in a bit. Repairs on the Normandy aren't going to be too bad. We should have it up and moving within a couple of weeks or so. Of course, that's assuming there's no complications.

Oh yeah, and we killed the Reapers. At least, I'm pretty sure we did. There was a giant explosion, and everyone was celebrating, so I think that means we won. I'm not exactly sure if I feel up to having the same attitude right now.

Shepard's gone. Everyone likes telling me that he's not dead, and that we just don't know where he is, but I know what they're saying. They just don't want to admit that Shepard died, either to me or to themselves. I think the idea that everyone would feel like they have to baby me is insulting. I was there on the original Normandy! I know what it means when somebody says that someone else is "out there somewhere." That just means that they're dead, or are about to be.

Garrus told me not to think about that kind of stuff. Said it was better just to be happy for what was around you, and to wait until the casualty report to come in before grieving. I think he was telling himself that just as much as I was.

Shepard was an important part of all of us. Losing him would be like losing an arm. Whenever you needed anything, you could go to Shepard, and he'd be there to help. It didn't matter what it was. You needed a new set of suit seals ordered because the ones you have are damaged? You'd go to Shepard. You needed to take a special trip to the Flotilla because you were about to be exiled from your entire species? You'd go to Shepard. You needed to reclaim your homeworld from the geth? You'd go to Shepard. He was the most wonderful man I've ever known…

Keelah, I'm going to cry. I need to stop thinking about him.

But how could I? He's one of the best people I've ever met! I loved him! And… I never truly got to tell him about that. I was supposed to after we took back Earth. When the fighting was over, and everything was peaceful, I would confess to him, and he'd carry me back to Rannoch where we'd retire and start a family together.

But that's not going to happen. Shepard is probably on the battlefield dead with all of the other soldiers whose lives were lost fighting those robotic bosh'tets.

This war has taken everything from me. My father, my friends, and now, my love. The only thing left is the Normandy.

I'm not sure if starting this "diary" was a good idea.

[Still Stranded]

December 24, 2186

1650 hours

It's been a few days, and we're still stranded on this strange planet. Liara says she thinks she's almost figured out where we are. So, at least there's that.

I've been spending most of my time working on the Normandy. Repairing hull breaches, making sure the drive core doesn't blow us all to pieces, that sort of thing. It's nothing I haven't dealt with. It's relaxing in a way, to be able to just let yourself do a task mindlessly. At least it distracts me from anything else I could be thinking of…

Well, uh, James taught me a few new human phrases yesterday. I particularly enjoyed the one about the boat. What was it again? "Shit the creek with a paddle?" I don't really understand why humans use these phrases. If you're feeling horrible, then you should just say it. No reason to hide it under weird, unrelated metaphors.

…

Okay, I'll admit it. I'm still thinking about Shepard. I can't help it! He was one of the people who were there with me from the beginning! I went with him to stop Saren. We killed the Collectors together. We should've also been together when we stopped the Reapers! Instead, I'm on some stupid rock floating in space, while he's wound up dead! And this time there's no Cerberus around to bring him back to life.

I… I just want to see him one more time. I want to look into his eyes, and tell him everything I was too afraid to when he was alive. I want to sit back on a sofa with him, and watch "Fleet and Flotilla" for the hundredth together. I want him to be able to look at my face, without having to worry about me dying the next day.

I just want my friend back. Why is that so much to ask for?

[Oh No…]

December 25, 2186

0910 hours

Keelah, my head hurts SO much right now. Kaiden was telling me about how we were going to have a Christmas Eve (some human holiday, I think) party in the Normandy's med bay. I thought that it might be a good way to help get over myself.

That was a mistake. I got a little drunk. Oh, who am I kidding? I drank at least half of a bottle of turian whiskey! Then, I decided to make a fool out of myself! I really don't want to talk to anyone about it.

Wait, I think that omni-tools record audio logs of anything up to the most recent month. One second, I might just be able to attach an audio recording of last night. I really don't want to listen to it, but it's better than having to personally write what happened myself. Here it is.

[Audio Log #163673]

December 24, 2186

2100 hours

Garrus: "There you are! I thought I heard someone in here. What are you doing up here on Shepard's bed?"

Tali: "Leave me alone Garrus! Can't you see that I'm mourning my friend?"

"Hey now, don't talk that way. Nobody said that Shepard is dead."

"Don't give me that! You were there with me. You saw Shepard charge the Citadel on foot against that Reaper! Everyone else died! There's no way Shepard would have survived that!"

"Oh please, you're selling the Commander too short! You were there with me when we went through the Omega 4 relay. If Shepard can survive that, then what chance does a Reaper stand against the savior of the damn galaxy!"

"I… I just know it. I just know that Shepard is out there, lying dead at the bottom of the ocean!"

"Really? Well, I 'just know' that Shepard is relaxing in London right now, anxiously waiting to see us again."

…

"I want to believe you, Garrus, but…"

"I know Tali. Trust me, you're not alone here. John means a lot to all of us. Just, try and get better soon, alright? If you need anything, I'll be here for you."

"Thanks…"

"I mean it! I care about you Tali! It's awful to see you like this. Please, don't let yourself wallow in misery like this. If not for your sake, than for mine. Mine, and John's. Okay?"

"*Sniffle* Yeah, okay. It's just that I thought we'd be able to ride away into the galaxy together. You know, a nice, happy ending, just like we've done every other time."

"Don't worry, we will. We just have to wait a little bit longer."

"I hope you're right about this."

"I am. You want to go back downstairs and join up with the rest? They'd be happy to see you doing better."

"Yeah… I'd like that."

The rest of the night was mostly just talking, playing poker, and retelling times we had with John. My favorite was the one where the dashing commander saved a poor, defenceless quarian from the hands of an evil turian and his salarian cohorts.

You know, maybe John isn't dead. Maybe Shepard is waiting for me… for us to return to come and see him again. That certainly gives me a reason to work harder on getting the Normandy up and running.

[We've Found It!]

December 27, 2186

1300 hours

Liara just found out where we are! No better time too! We've almost got the Normandy patched up and ready to go.

Apparently, we didn't get nearly as far as Joker thought we would've, as we're still on Earth! Liara used the data stored on her local networks to analyze the wildlife here, and it's a perfect match to the jungles of the Amazon (wherever that is).

My knowledge of Earth doesn't go much beyond the fact that it's the home planet of humanity, and that London exists. Other than that, it just seems to be like every other place in the galaxy.

To be fair, I never got to see it when it wasn't being blown to hell, so maybe it was an absolutely beautiful place. Looking at what's around us, I'm inclined to think that my idea just might be true.

Communications are still not up. If I had to guess, the whole process of getting extranet up and running is going to take at least a couple of weeks. Then again, I doubt that there's going to be any quarians working on it, so perhaps it'll take something more like a month.

I just hope it gets fixed soon. I need to know that Shepard is alive. If need be, I'll force Joker to take us to London, and we'll find him in person.

But first we need to get the ship up and running. I think I just might stay up all night to try and get this thing done and over with as soon as possible. Garrus is probably going to come up and tell me to rest, because this obsession with Shepard, "Isn't healthy," and that I should, "Try and move on." But he doesn't get it. How could he get it? He doesn't know what I've been through…

That's not true.

Everybody loved Shepard. He was one of the best people to ever exist. Everyone is suffering. They're just doing it in their own way, and I'm just being too naive to notice. Garrus would probably be right. Maybe it's best that I try and move on.

Shepard, if you're out there somewhere, just know that I care about you a lot. Everyone does. Don't leave us just yet. It's not your time. Please, stay with us.

[Well, That Was Interesting]

December 27, 2186

1900 hours

Kaiden and Joker got into a fight a little bit ago. It wasn't physical, of course. Kaiden could break all of Joker's bones in a second if he wanted to. And that's not even taking biotics into consideration.

Anyway, Joker has been really upset recently. Not that I don't understand why. EDI was suddenly destroyed when we shockwave that stranded us on Earth hit the Normandy. He's been taking it pretty hard. I wasn't the biggest fan of EDI myself, but I will admit that she was a big help, and the ship is quite a bit quieter without her around.

Kaiden came up to him in the and was telling him that EDI was gone, and that there was no reason to keep beating himself up over it.

Joker took that bit of advice about as well as you'd think he would.

After a long rant, Joker hobbled off. I can't say I'd blame him. If I knew Shepard was gone, and someone told me to get over myself, they'd probably end up with about twenty less teeth.

Kaiden seems to at least understand that he messed up though, so there's that. I suppose being the new commanding officer of the Normandy is putting some stress on him.

Actually, talking about Kaiden, I need to tell him about going to London to see about the casualties there. I'm sure the soldiers there would love to see the Normandy's crew alive and well. With any luck, we could also find Shepard.

I'll talk with Kaiden about it in the morning. There's a gas leak somewhere in the server room that needs fixing ASAP, and I've been assigned to repair it.

[Good News]

December 28, 2186

1645 hours

Alenko agreed to take us to London to go and help repair the damages done. He also said something about meeting up with some of the higher ups likely stationed there. Suppose he's been a follower for so long that he's having a tough time properly adjusting himself to a position of full leadership.

Not saying I can't relate, of course. The position of admiral wasn't exactly an easy one to fill.

Speaking of the Flotilla, I wonder how they're doing? If they were make it out of the explosion, then I'm sure they're trying to build up a solid infrastructure on Rannoch. I'm sure the geth are making the process significantly faster.

I still haven't gotten over the fact that we're working with the geth. Not just a small scale bit of cooperation with ones like Legion either, but all of the geth are working with the quarians. It's… still pretty hard to believe. Then again, so is the idea that the krogan would be cured of the genophage. I suppose Shepard has an almost magical effect on anyone he comes across.

Other than that, there's not much else to say. The fact that the decontamination chamber is fixed is nice. It was a struggle having to be in a suit for a week. After about the fifth day, you start to smell. The suit does have some rudimentary scent blockers built in to reduce the issue, but you can still feel the oils building up on your skin and in your hair. Let me tell you, that shower was one of the greatest things that I've done all week.

The food was a poor as always. Liara says that the Alliance has pretty good cuisine, all things considered. But she only knows of the levo food. For us dextros, the food that they serve to us is underwhelming, to say the least. And that's just for the regular food. The stored food in case of emergencies is even worse than the grey paste given to us when we went on our pilgrimage, and that stuff was awful! I once told Garrus to try it, and he almost gagged. I would've had everyone else try it, but I don't really want to be responsible for the murder of the entire crew of the Normandy.

As far as the Normandy itself goes, it appears to be almost fully functional. We just need to run it by some simple tests, along with any repairs that might need to be done along the way, and it'll be as good as new. Kenneth and Gabriella were impressed by my ability to patch up the Normandy so quickly. They've clearly forgotten the full powers of a quarian before.

We'll be seeing you real soon Shepard, I promise.

[London]

December 29, 2186

1000 hours

With all of the tests out of the way, we're finally able to make our way over to London! I'm so excited! I can't even put it into words, that's how excited I am! I just can't wait to get there and see Shepard running up to us as we get out of the Normandy and we're all going to gather around for a big hug! Then we'll go off to some bar and drink all of our cares away! It'll be great!

Okay, that's a bit of a stretch, but it's a nice ideal nonetheless. It's better than picturing him lying dead in a ditch, that's for sure.

Kaiden said that we were going to take it slow and scan for any survivors that might be within the area. He said that at the pace we'd be going, the Normandy would reach London an hour or two before midnight. Personally, I would have prefered to get there as quickly as possible, but I can't argue with the commander, even if he's only been the commander for about a week.

Garrus was trying to pressure me into a game of poker to pass the time. I don't know why. I've never really enjoyed the whole "reading the opponent's face" part of the game, and the cards never felt quite right in my hands. I guess it's just not for me.

I should probably get some sleep.

[Harder Than I Thought]

December 30, 2186

0230

Our arrival at London was… interesting, to say the least. Once we were about a hundred feet away from the city, there appeared to be a connection to some kind of network. It was very rudimentary. No communication outside of the city. However, the fact that it is even up is a pretty good sign.

Kaiden requested a space to land, and we soon found a place on the outskirts of the city. Well, what was left of it, at least. There was a man near our makeshift docking station who greeted us as we got out of the ship.

That's when we remembered something fairly important. We are the crew of the Normandy. No, I wrote that wong. We are the crew of THE Normandy. We were basically a living legend to these people.

The man was saying how it'd be great if we would give a speech for all of the soldiers and workers who were still here. I thought it sounded like a horrible idea. Shepard was always the one with the good speeches. The rest of us just stand around and look pretty.

Besides, that would take away valuable time we'd need to find Shepard. We can give all of the speeches in the world after that.

When the man saw the lack of Shepard appearing out of the Normandy, he was suddenly a lot more worried. I think he said something along the lines of, "Wait, is the Commander…"

Kaiden interrupted him, and asked if he had any idea where we could find the hospital. The man responded basically saying that the entire city was a hospital, and that there would be no way of knowing if Shepard was even in one of them. Everyone was so busy nursing the injured that no one has truly been able to keep track of everyone alive.

We shouldn't have expected it'd be easy. Everyone agreed to split up and we all go around the town and search for him. We have long distance communication up because of the signal, so any news that was found would simply be told through that.

At this point, it's been about two hours since we've separated, and I haven't heard anything from anyone. Everybody in London just assumed that Shepard would be with us, and haven't even bothered to do anything beyond the most basic searching. Apparently, most people found were dead, or beyond saving.

What if Shepard was one of those people? No. Stop it. I told myself that I wouldn't think that way. Shepard has to be alive. He just has to be. There's no way someone like him could die. Not now. He still needs to see what he's done for us. We still need him to help us rebuild this broken world.

But then again, Shepard isn't some sort of god. He's already died once. The universe isn't going to let him live just because "he deserves to." Want some examples? Look at Mordin, or Thane, or hell, even Legion. I saw my own father lay dead on the floor of his ship. Was the universe fair then? No. Why should life suddenly become so polite to me? All it's done so far is beat me into a bloody pulp, then piss into my filter for good measure. Why stop now?

Damn it Tali, what have I constantly been telling you?! You don't know that Shepard is dead! Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and just go out there and do something about it! If you truly want to help him, then you'll keep on searching, instead of throwing yourself some kind of pity party.

I'm going to go and look for him.

[I'm So Tired]

December 30, 2186

1000 hours

I have spent the last seven hours non stop searching for Shepard, only to find out that it's all been pointless.

Apparently, Liara just figured out that the crash site of the Citadel isn't even in London, but actually North of it in this place called "Burning Ham." That's great information to know. The information is even better when we've had the whole crew spend all of their time exhausting themselves, just to learn out that it's all in vain, because, "Whoopsie! I forgot that when we are searching for someone, we should probably look where they are, instead of some random ass place far away from our real destination!" Stupid bosh'tet.

Well, to be fair, it's not like I thought of the idea either. Maybe I'm being a little too harsh.

No, I take it back. I'm being WAY too harsh. If I couldn't think of an idea, why should I expect someone else to be able to?

Anyway, we're going back to the Normandy, and then everyone's going to this "Burning Ham" place. We're going to find Shepard, then we'll leave. End of story.

Shepard better be there. Dead, or alive. I just want some closure on this whole… thing. I just want to go home. This war has taken not only my friends and family, but my ability to care. When we were fighting the Reapers, Shepard was all that was keeping me sane. Now that he's gone, I just want to… give up.

Let's just get going. I'm tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.

[I'm Better Now]

December 30, 2186

2015 hours

When we got back to the Normandy, I instantly fell asleep. I don't know how long I slept, but apparently it was a long time, because when I woke up, Garrus told me that we were about an hour away from our destination. I guess Kaiden hasn't given up on searching for survivors as we go.

Also, I learned that this "Burning Ham" place is actually called Birmingham. I prefered Burning Ham personally, but that's just me.

Garrus also asked if I was alright. Most of the time I get tired of hearing him ask that question, but I was fine with it now. We talked for a bit about what we did on our searches. Apparently Garrus is more popular than I thought, because he was stopped by a bunch of other turians who wanted to meet him. I would say that I'm jealous, but I don't really want to know how I would react if a bunch of strangers tried to get all buddy buddy with me while I was looking around. Probably not well.

After that, he invited me over to the main battery to speak a bit more privately. I'm not sure I really understood why, but I was fine with speaking with Garrus for a bit more. When we got there, he seemed really nervous for some reason. Normally he's so calm, borderline suave, but right now he looks like a kid who broke his mother's priceless vase.

He asked me about Shepard. I think the exact question was, "What is Shepard to you?" I said that he was the greatest man that I've ever known. He shook his head, and asked if I thought of Shepard as more than just our commander. I told him that Shepard was my best friend, as well as the greatest captain I've ever known.

He shook his head again. He was stammering over all of his words. It took him a while to ask what he wanted to, but eventually he was able to ask me if I loved him. Now I understood why he wanted the privacy. I asked him if it was obvious. He didn't say anything. He just nodded his head.

For a while we just sort of stood there, neither one of us really wanting to say anything. Garrus was looking strangely upset, but I don't think I could do a really job comforting him. Making people feel better has never been my specialty.

After a little bit more silence, he said that he had to go and do some calibrations, and that we could talk later. I swear, he uses calibrations just as an excuse to get out of talking with someone.

I wonder, has Garrus ever been with someone? He seems like the type to have had his one high school sweetheart that eventually broke up a couple of years later. Or maybe he was one of those who had a bunch of flings, and never wanted to be tied down to a full relationship. I don't know. Guess it's none of my business, so I should stop thinking about it.

I'm going to go check the engine and make sure Ken hasn't destroyed anything. Not I don't trust him or anything. Just want to make sure everything's working well. Better than sitting on a chair for an hour waiting for us to reach Birmingham, that's for sure.

[Good News, Bad News]

January 1, 2187

0035 hours

Shepard's alive. Shepard's alive! I almost can't believe what I'm saying, but it's true! I've spent all of this time worrying about him, but he's here! Living! Alongside us!

And that's where the good things end. He's in a coma. We met the doctors, and they predicted that he would wake up fairly soon, but they couldn't make a solid prediction on when that would be.

Not only that, but because of the extremely limited resources in the clinic, a lot of suboptimal practices were required. This caused the amputation of the entirety of his left leg, along with the section of the right leg just below the knee, and his left forearm. His body is covered in mostly untreated cuts, burns, and other kinds of relatively minor damages.

Seeing John look like that was one of the most difficult things I've ever experienced. I can only imagine what it'll be like for Shepard. Waking up, only to find out that damn near half of your body is just gone. Not to mention the sheer amount of pain that'll be around your entire body. Then again, the fact that he is even alive is already some sort of miracle. I suppose it'd be too much to ask to come out of it unscathed.

When he wakes up, I want to be next to him. I want to be able to look into his eyes when he takes his first glances into this wonderful world that he's allowed to exist. I want to be able to tell him that everything will be alright, and that he's wonderful. I want to be able to tell him that I love him, and that I will never let him go ever again.

But I guess that day isn't going to be today. So while the crew and I wait, we should most likely try and help out. If we could get communication to London going, then we could try and get some resources pouring over here. Getting that to happen could improve a great deal of things, not the least of which being Shepard's medical treatment. Getting some of the more experienced staff around could make him increase his recovery time. And the sooner that I get to see Shepard up and running, the better.

Now that we've found Shepard, most of us don't really know what to do with ourselves. I mean, I can help getting the coms up, and Garrus said he'd come along with me. I suppose experience with calibrating giant guns can translate to creating a makeshift communication hub… somehow. James said he'd see if he can help out with some form of construction job. Liara was making some kind of record of what's going on. It's probably for some vid to document this time to future generations. Well, it could also be for everyone who wasn't here to understand what happened. I don't really care. Kaiden was thinking of leading some random thing. I didn't pay much attention. I don't know what Javik's planning, which is probably for the best. He was always a little… odd.

But this is all just busywork. I wonder what our next real adventure is going to be. Shepard's already gotten rid of damn near every single threat I could think of. Is there really all that much left to fight? Then again, looking at Shepard now, I'm not sure I'd even want him fighting. I just want him to be with me. I'm sure the world will be alright giving us an early retirement. Supposedly, saving the entire galaxy can give you some prestige in certain parts of the universe.

Let's just hope the mass relays are fixed soon. I want to see Rannoch while I'm still young enough to get the most out of it. Ideally, with the greatest man of all time by my side. We'll see about the last part.

[Up And Running]

January 3, 2187

1709 hours

With only a few issues, the communications hub is now fully operational. Great timing too. We have messages saying that repairs are going swimmingly for London. Apparently, a lot of people who were involved in the hammer portion of the fight decided to stay and help rebuild. I'm not sure if I'd be that nice. If Shepard wasn't here, I'd most likely be found trying to get back to Rannoch as quickly as possible. Not that I'm complaining about their decision, of course. The quicker we can get Shepard up and running, the better.

As far as Shepard's health is concerned, I've been told he's been making significant progress in his healing. The doctor said that the rate of healing Shepard was going at was unbelievable. That makes sense. Nothing John ever did would be considered believable. Why should that change just because he's unconscious?

The doctors said that if he continued to heal at his current rate, he'd be able to open his eyes within the next week. Let's hope that the doctors are right. I'm not sure if I'd be able to take much more waiting.

I don't know what I'm going to do now. If I could get away with it, I'd like to work on getting things set up for the clinic. All of the basic utilities are set up, but some of the more advanced devices still need to be repaired. I can't exactly pretend like I have experience in human medical equipment, but I'm sure it won't be a problem to figure it out. I'm a quarian, tech is in my blood. If there are any problems, I'm sure the medical staff would be able to figure them out.

I wonder how Shepard is going to feel when he wakes up? I mean, the Reapers are dead. But so is Anderson. So is EDI. Everything's in ruins, and he doesn't have any legs! I'm not sure if I'd be able to handle so many emotions at one time. Good thing it's Shepard then. If anyone would be able to wake up to that information, and still be able to stay hopeful, it'd be him.

All I know is that when he wakes up, I'll be there. He'll probably try and go off on some kind of suicide mission, almost killing himself for the umpteenth time. I'll be there to make sure that he instead retires on a huge estate, with a loving family, and everything else he could ever ask for. That's a promise.

[Wake Up Call]

January 8, 2187

1830 hours

The last few days haven't been anything special. Working in the clinic has been pretty simple; nothing overly complicated. Even the most advanced machines are nothing compared to making sure the Normandy is up and running. Don't get me wrong, the Normandy is an amazing ship. It's just having to maintain such a beast with only a few other real tech experts is a challenge, to say the least.

None of that's important right now. Shepard has officially woken up for the first time! Granted, it was only a few seconds before he lost consciousness again, but he woke up! I asked the doctors when they thought he would be awake again. They said it could be anywhere from a few minutes to a several hours. I requested that I take a break from working to wait next to him until he wakes up. The turian doctor Italus asked if he was my bondmate.

Probably should've seen that coming. Been clinging onto Shepard for the whole time I've been here. It's only reasonable to assume that we were together. I told him that I was just part of the crew, but I have a feeling that he didn't believe me. Still, my request was accepted, (I suppose being a member of the Normandy can come with a few perks) and now I'm sitting next to Shepard while he sleeps.

It's so surreal to see Shepard sleeping. I've always known him as a man of action. I can barely remember a single time when he'd just sit back and relax. And when he did, it always seemed to be more for our sake than it was for his. I suppose that's just how Shepard is. And I think that's one of the reasons I love him so much.

Tali, what are you doing? You're acting like he's just going to wake up and immediately love you! He's never shown interest in you. Why would that suddenly change when the Reapers were destroyed?

You know what? It doesn't matter what his feelings of me are. Not right now, anyways. What's important is that Shepard is going to need a friendly face when he wakes up, and that face is just going to have to be me. I have to be there for him. I can give him food, push him around in a wheelchair, and even give him a bath if I need to. Whatever he needs, I'll do it. That's what he'd do if I was him.

Come on Shepard, please wake up soon. The wait is killing me.

[Love]

January 9, 2187

0120 hours

I just got to have a talk with Shepard. It was… needed. I'm not sure if I could really describe it. I might as well just play the recording.

[Audio Log #163779]

January 9, 2187

0013 hours

*Faint rustling*

"Shepard?"

"Ugh, my head… Tali? Where am I?"

"Shepard! Oh keelah, I was so worried about you! You have no idea how happy I am to see you!"

"I'm glad to see you too, Tali. Now, do you mind telling me why I'm in a hospital bed?"

"Oh… right. Well, after you got onto the Citadel and used the Catalyst, there was this huge explosion that wiped out the Reapers! But, it also destroyed the Citadel, along with a bunch of other things. You were found in the wreckage. The people here drug you back and fixed you up the best they could."

"I'll be sure to thank them when I see them. How bad is it?"

*Door opens*

"I'll put it this way. If it was any worse, than you'd be dead right now."

"Dr. Italus! I didn't see you come in!"

"Shepard, I don't want to cut your meeting short, but it really isn't a good idea to stay up for too long. Your body needs to rest."

"Don't worry, I will."

"Good. Now if you mind, I'd like you ask you a few questions."

"Sir, please. I'd like to have a private conversation with my friend. Could you give us a moment before pestering me with questions?"

"Oh, yes. Of course! But please, don't take to long. The more rest you get, the quicker you'll recover. I'll give you two some privacy."

*Door shuts*

"So, I take it that I'm beat up pretty bad."

"Are you kidding! You're a triple amputee! You have stitches all over your body! How do you think you're doing?"

"What? You're kidding, right?"

*Ruffling of sheets*

"You weren't joking… How am I not dead?"

"I don't know. But you're here now. That's all that matters to me."

"Well, I appreciate your concern. Where's everyone else?"

"Most people are off doing something to help rebuild Earth. Needed something for us to do while we were waiting for you to get up. I can give them a call. I'm sure they'd love to see you up and running… uh, metaphorically speaking. Oh, keelah, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it like that!"

"*Chuckles* It's fine. I don't really want to get a bunch of people seeing me right now anyway. Let's wait on that until I'm able to sit up, at least."

"Oh, okay. Do you want me to go then?"

"No. If it's you, then I'm okay with it. Besides, I need to ask a few questions."

"Alright, shoot."

"So you said we killed the Reapers? You mean, they're gone for good?"

"As far as I can tell."

"Good. What were the casualties?"

"There's no exact numbers right now. However, our current estimates are saying that it's well beyond the billion mark."

"I see. What about the Normandy? Was she destroyed? Did anyone…"

"Don't worry, the Normandy is in proper working condition. As for the crew, everyone survived. Well, almost everyone. We don't know what that bast the Crucible fired was. Whatever is was though, it destroyed EDI."

"I assume Joker didn't take the news very well."

"No. He's still not quite himself. He's getting better though."

"That's good. That just leaves me with one other question. Why are you here?"

"What do you mean?"

"You said that everyone found something to do. I know you well enough to know that you wouldn't just get lazy when I was out. So why were you here when I woke up?"

"Oh, that? Well, I, uh… You know. I just happened be around, and I figured that I should check on you."

"You 'just happened to be around' at 12 in the morning?"

"Y-yeah! I… I'm doing some repair work here, and I just happened to be near your room!"

"Why are you working at a hospital? Wouldn't your skills be better suited to ship repair, and that kind of thing?"

"W-well I guess that I-I, I, I… give up. I've been waiting here for four hours for you to wake up. I couldn't help myself! I care about you too much to let you go! I'm sorry! I must look like a total creep!"

"Hey, hey, it's okay. I wasn't complaining about it. I appreciate that you'd take time out of your day just to wait for me to wake up."

"It's not like you would do anything less if it were me. You were always there for us. For all of us. So, I guess what I'm trying for say is… thank you. This is just my way to make it up to you."

"Don't mention it. I don't want to cut this meeting short, but I have a feeling the doctor will have a seizure if I don't let him examine me."

"Right. Oh, I almost forgot to mention! Thanks. You know, for saving the galaxy."

It was a nice meeting. He hasn't changed a day since I first met him. Always so calm and astute. I think that's what really attracted me to him. Not to mention that he's one of the most genuinely caring souls that I've ever met. Waiting for so long to talk to him was torture, but the wait was totally worth it. He's alive. He's still going. Half of his body may be gone, but he's still the same old Shepard I know and love.

"I love." I wonder, does he have anyone he loves? Shepard always seemed so involved in his work that I doubt he had any time for love. Now that the Reapers are gone, there isn't going to be much for him to do. Not to mention his lack of limbs will probably give him a pretty good excuse for early retirement. I wonder if he's interested in anyone?

I really shouldn't think about this. He's a human. Why would he be interested in dating a quarian? Well, he did get our homeworld back. So, maybe… no. Probably not. He also cured the genophage, and I have an odd feeling that he doesn't have any interest in mating with a krogan. At least, I hope he doesn't. I'd worry about his judgement if he did.

This is probably the type of thing you're supposed to discuss with a "gal pal" or something. Maybe I'll talk about it with Garrus. He might not be female down there, but in spirit, he might as well be putting a bow into his crest.

[Advice]

January 10, 2187

2024 hours

So, I had a video call with Garrus about Shepard. Told him that he was up. Garrus said he'd try and visit soon. I did also talk to him about how I felt about Shepard. He told be that I should try and look for signs that he likes me. He said that although different from other species, humans do have signs that show attraction to someone else. It's subtle, but if you're observant, you can pick up on them.

So I did some research on these "signs", and I found out these things.

He pays close attention to what you say, and will listen intently to what you have to say. I thought that was just being polite, but apparently not.

He maintains eye contact with you. Well, I'm not sure about how much he can look into my eyes, but we'll see.

He will constantly try and finds excuses to try and touch you. Well, the only times he really touches me is during missions, and I have an odd feeling that he's not sending us out into dangerous missions just to touch me. Besides, I don't know what would be so appealing about touching a suit.

He constantly tries to start conversations with you. Unless he's in love with the entire crew, I don't think this applies.

He gives you compliments on your appearance. Uh, skip.

He seems jealous when you're around other men. Garrus is coming over to visit soon. I could get him to try and help me test that.

He constantly gives you gifts. The only thing that I can remember him buying me is weapons and armor. Does that count?

He will defend you if someone tries to insult or offend you. I think I have that one.

He will try and see you as often as possible. Well, he did travel all the way to Haestrom to have me join his crew. I think that one's a solid maybe.

(Most important one, apparently) He will start sharing his personal secrets with you. I'm not sure I know much of anything about his past other than what's already common knowledge. Would it count if I asked him about it, or does he have to tell me of his own volition?

I don't think this was too helpful. However, I'll talk to him, and see what I can mark down on this. Don't think I'll worry about the third and fifth one though. Not sure if he's really going to be in the mood to try and touch me when he's stuck to the hospital bed with only one limb. I mean, he can try, but… yeah.

Am I being foolish? I feel like a little girl wondering about these kind of things. Keelah, I can remember my friends and I talking about boys we were interested in. Well, the boys they were interested in. I didn't have anyone that I was really into. I suppose I was a xenophile, even back then. I just didn't know it.

Now is different though. Before we'd just like them based off of things like physical fitness, and singing talent. That kind of thing. Now, it's different. Shepard isn't just athletic. He's… well, he's Commander Shepard! Who wouldn't fall in love with him? I'm sure he has billions of women lining up at his door, and he's able to see all of their faces. He's able to touch their skin without killing them. I can't do either of those, so what chance would I have?

Maybe it's a fool's errand to try and be with Shepard. I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't into dating at all, and just wanted to focus every day of his life on his job. But his job's over. The Reapers are dead. Maybe now he'd be interested in dating someone. Maybe even a quarian…

I don't think running in circles like this is going to get me anywhere. I'm just going to sleep, and worry about this in the morning. Garrus should be over sometime tomorrow as well. At that point I could get a solid second opinion on the matter. But until then, it's time to sleep.

[Nice Visit]

January 11, 2187

2237 hours

Garrus arrived at the hospital today at around 2 in the afternoon. He looked absolutely exhausted, not that I blame him. Working on rebuilding entire planets from almost the ground up wasn't what I'd call a lax venture. I'm sure if he could see my face, I'd look just as bad.

We chatted for a bit, then we went to see Shepard. He wasn't up at that point, which was to be expected. He was spending almost the entire day sleeping while doctors made sure all of his body was functioning properly. The only times he woke up was to eat, do his "business", then go back to sleep. It's kind of sad, seeing him being reduced to this. Shepard deserves nothing less than a vacation on a far off island to live the rest of his life in comfort, not lying on some hospital bed where he can't even control when he's conscious.

Anyway, Garrus and I chatted for a little while to pass the time. He told me about how after coms were put up, he got sent over to London to do some public speaking for a group of soldiers. Can't exactly say that I'm envious of him. Going up to a large group of people you don't know and having to speak to them sounds more like a nightmare than anything else. To each their own, I suppose.

We also brung up my feelings for Shepard. Garrus always seemed to get a little sad whenever I bring him up. Maybe he knows how stupid my dream is, but is too nice to tell me. Who knows? It's not important right now. All Garrus said is that I wouldn't need to worry about it.

While we were talking, Dr. Italus came and told us that we could go and see him. When we came into the room, Shepard looked better than he did before. When I first saw him in the clinic he looked disheveled and worn out. All those cuts and burns on his face made him look like a ghost. It was heartbreaking to look at. While his injuries still haven't healed fully, his body looks like someone wanted to make him look better than how he really was. I suppose Italus wanted Shepard's "girlfriend" to be more comfortable around him.

We chatted for a bit, mostly about how everybody was doing since we've last seen each other. Shepard was telling us about how he would be able to leave in few weeks if things continued the way they were. Garrus and I promised that we'd make sure that he would get some fancy prosthetics for when he's finally out. It was a nice meeting.

Shepard told me that he'd need a personal nurse at some point. It'd be mostly for things like delivering him food, moving him from place to place, that kind of thing. Apparently, the doctor recommended me as the nurse, and so Shepard asked me if I was up for it. Italus, you god damn romantic. You just can't get over the idea of Shepard and I getting together, can you? Not that I don't like the idea. Being next to Shepard every single day, making sure he's at his best, just like he did for us. I accepted Shepard's offer, naturally.

After that, Shepard requested that him and Garrus could speak in private. I gave them some space, and then went to tell Italus that my job will be changed to "personal nurse" instead of "repair woman". Keelah, he would not stop giving me this ridiculous look. I'm sure he's absolutely beaming with pride over his little romance ploy. As much as I appreciate the help, I think that I'd rather try and work out my emotions on my own, thank you very much.

I met up with Garrus after he had his personal time with Shepard, and he told me that the conversation wasn't much of note. I asked him if he was able to see how Shepard felt about me. Again, all he told me is that I "wouldn't need to worry about it". I'm beginning to get really tired of him trying to be coy with me.

He told me that he had to leave for London in a bit, and that we'll keep in contact. And now I'm sitting on my bed writing in a diary about my day.

Why am I still writing in this thing? It's not like I have any serious emotional issues that I need working through. At least, none that are currently relevant. I'm not planning to publish this into some kind of biographical vid, and I'm certainly not a little girl. So what is the point of this?

The best thing that I can think of is that it's kind of therapeutic, in this weird sort of way. I can't explain it. I guess I've just had so much chaos around us for years now. At this point, it's nice to be able to sit down, relax, and say what I feel. It's almost like talking to a friend about your problems. You aren't telling them because you necessarily want them to fix them. You just want to be able to have someone be there for you and support you. This diary is kind of like that.

I think I'm going to go and rest now. I'm going to have a little crash course on nursing in the morning, and it's probably not the best idea to forget what he'll tell me.

[Shepard's Nurse: Day 1]

January 12, 2187

2033 hours

I don't think I understood what I was getting into when I accepted the role of personal nurse for Shepard. At first, I thought it'd be me fixing up wounds for Shepard, saying soothing words to make him more comfortable. Turns out that a doctor with a medical degree is much better suited to treating a person's injuries than someone with only a few hours of medical training. Big shock, I know! Well, I did also have health class when I was little, but that was more about teaching kids how to properly perform suit repairs and treating any infectants that were able to make it into our immune systems than how to take care of a human with an amputated limb, so I'm not sure if that counts.

What I'm really doing is mostly things like moving him around as needed, as well as other things like bringing him food, and, uh… taking care of his clothing situation. Because of that, I kind of accidentally saw his… reproductive organs. Shepard said it was fine, but I still feel bad about it. I mean, he's barely even seen my face, and yet I got a good look at one of the most private organs on someone's body.

Speaking of the human reproductive system, I'm surprised by how similar it is to a quarian's. I mean, they still are technically different. I've read that compared to a quarian, a male human's "thing" is a little bit bigger, and that most females have these weird flap things that we quarians don't. However, compared to other races, we might as well be the same species for the number of differences there are. Because of that, a lot of… unique human vids tend to make their way onto the flotilla. I'd be lying if I said I never watched any of them. Don't judge me! I haven't watched any of those vids in at least a year! Besides, it's completely natural to do those kind of things in a personal setting.

Keelah, how did we get onto this subject? Let's get back on track. I was talking about my responsibilities. I mean, there really isn't all that much to say about it other than the fact that I just watch over Shepard and make sure he's comfortable.

You know, I still can't get over how surreal it is to see Shepard just relaxing in the hospital. It feels so unnatural for him. If there's one thing I've never thought Shepard of, it'd be lazy. Then again, he's spent the last few years of his life fighting the greatest threat of the entire galaxy. I think he's earned a few lifetimes of rest and relaxation. Not sure if I'd really consider laying in an uncomfortable bed with a bunch of broken bones and only one arm relaxing per se, but I suppose it could be worse. I mean, he could be dead.

I'm still not sure how to tell Shepard that I love him. It shouldn't be hard. All I have to do is go up to him and say what I feel, but I can't. I just can't look into his eyes and disturb his peace to make him worry about the emotions of some hopeless quarian. All I'd be doing is making everything uncomfortable for the both of us. I should just keep it hidden for now. Someday, I'll tell him. Just not today.

[Shepard's Nurse: Day 2]

January 13, 2187

1927 hours

So, second day as Shepard's nurse, and it's been eye opening to me. I don't think I truly realized how much painkiller you need to make the pain of multiple broken bones tolerable. Don't get me wrong, I've gotten injured plenty of times. When you live around Shepard long enough, these things tend to happen. However, I have a feeling that some bruises and cuts are nothing compared to Shepard's situation. Thankfully, now that coms have been set up throughout all of Earth, finding enough painkillers to take care of him is no problem.

As far as Shepard himself goes, he seems to be doing fine. I mean, the tons of painkillers being pumped into him makes staying awake for too long a bit of a struggle. When he's up though, he mostly just eats, reads reports and chat with me. It's kind of strange, now that I think about it. Before we destroyed the Reapers, most talks Shepard and I had was mostly business. Time was precious, and we couldn't waste it on trading small talk with each other. Now that it's my job to be near him at all times, we've spent a lot more time just talking about various small things. Childhood stories, interesting family, that kind of stuff. I don't think what we said was really important. I was just happy to see him smile before going back to one of my few nursing duties.

Speaking of that, I'm surprised at how little I need to do. I almost feel like a maid, just taking care of this little room Shepard is in. I don't even need to make food for him. Granted, that's mostly because the Reapers destroyed all hope of eating anything other than rations at the moment, but it'd still be nice to allow the man single handedly responsible for saving the entire galaxy to have a decent meal. I'm not saying that I'd really be able to prepare it. I can barely prepare a good Shik'zah, much less some good levo food. I guess I'll just wait for some restaurant to open up so that Shepard can get some actually decent food in him.

I also had a little chat with Garrus over video chat. It wasn't anything of note, really. It just reminded me of what he said a couple of days ago. What did he mean by "Don't worry about it"? What did he say to Shepard? Oh no. He didn't tell Shepard about my feelings toward him, did he? I swear, if he did, there is going to be hell to pay.

But wait, if he did, then is he saying that Shepard…

Damn it Garrus, why are you like this? Why couldn't you just give me a straight answer about how Shepard feels about me? You know how nervous I am about this. Why would you keep this a secret?

Then again, if Shepard does know, and he hasn't confronted me about it, does that mean that Shepard just might feel the same way? That'd certainly be nice to believe. Maybe I should tell him.

Well, I don't know if Garrus even told Shepard that. All he said was "Don't worry about it." For all I know, he could be talking about my salary, or something equally stupid. As much as I'd like to get up into Garrus' face and force him to tell me what he meant, I have a feeling that wouldn't get me any results. I know Garrus too well to expect anything nice out of him.

Why does romance have to be so hard?

[Shepard's Nurse: Day 3]

January 14, 2187

1859 hours

So, uh, John said that I should call him by his first name now. Said that we knew each other well enough to not bother with last names. I think it's kind of strange that humans want to separate their last and first names so much. They always go by either their first or last name, but never both. Why? I feel like when you introduce yourself, knowing both parts of your name would be good information. I guess that's just me.

Anyway, Shep-, I mean John is finally able to be moved around for a bit. Apparently, with how his implants are progressing, he's going to be able to leave even sooner than we thought! That's incredible! Now I'm waiting for the day that he's able to whisk us back onto the Normandy for another journey across the galaxy. Granted, that mission would involve much less fighting Reapers and Cerberus, and a lot more diplomatic missions to help rebuild, but that's not exactly a bad thing. I don't know about John, but I kind of like the idea of knowing that I'm going to live to the next day.

As far as our relationship goes, I'm still not sure how John feels. The whole first name thing is a good sign, but it's not like that's some kind of definite signifier of love or something. I can't see any other real signs that he likes me, but I don't know if that's me not being able to read humans, or if that's because John doesn't like me in that way.

You know, sometimes I wish that John was a quarian. I know how to read a quarian. If a quarian likes you, usually they'll do a lot of nervous fidgeting and a ton of wanting stares. John's far too composed to do anything like that. I don't think that I'd be able to picture him acting so nervous around anyone, much less me.

I need to stop worrying so much about this thing. If he likes me, he'll tell me. Simple as that. If he doesn't, then I'll accept his friendship, and be happy with whoever he decides to be with. Besides, John deserves to be with someone who can make him happy. Someone who he can look at whenever he'd like, and someone who could… who could pleasure him whenever he wanted to. A quarian like me couldn't do that for years. Rannoch will help, definitely, but that'll still take time. Time that John shouldn't have to wait for.

Anyway, I'm going to stop talking about this. All it ever does is make me sad.

So, I don't think I've ever stated how the Flotilla is doing. The reason for that is, well, we have no idea how they're doing. All ships were ordered to evacuate after the Catalyst was set up. Now that the mass relays are gone, the only way we're going to be able to communicate again is when they're fixed, and who knows when that's going to happen. I haven't heard much, but John said that it'll take months, if not years to properly rebuild the relays. It's strange though. I thought that I'd be much more upset about the idea of not knowing about the Flotilla than I really am. I suppose it helps that I can visit anybody from the Normandy crew whenever I want without any real issue.

I wonder how the fleet would feel about my feelings about John? I know that public opinion of cross species romance isn't the best, and any positive reactions are mostly for turians (at least partially due to "Fleet and Flotilla", I'd like to mention), but maybe things have changed. After all, a human not only saved the entire galaxy no less than three times, but he also reclaimed the homeworld that'll allow us to live without our suits, and made peace with the geth. If they were going to make an exception for any one man, it'd be him.

It looks like it's about time that I get some rest. John's looks well, and there's no busy work that needs to be done. If there'd be any point that I'd be able to get some shuteye, it'd be now.

[I Said It!]

January 16, 2187

1520 hours

Keelah, what just happened? I, I was just chatting with John for a bit. Nothing serious, just a little something to pass the time. But then, but then… I don't know. I'm not sure if I can put what happened into words. At least, not right now. Maybe later I'll have some way to explain what I did. Right now, all I can do is this.

[Audio Log #164304]

January 16, 2187

1453 hours

Shepard: "Hey Tali, who do you think would win in a fight, Miranda or Jack?"

Tali: "Miranda or Jack. Hmm… I think I'd go with Miranda."

"Seriously? I thought you hated her."

"Oh I do. Keelah, she really is a bitch. But she's a smart bitch. Jack has more biotic power, but I think that Miranda's smart enough to beat her. My turn. Garrus, or James?"

"Ooh, good one. Let's see… I think it might depend on distance. In CQC, James will win. At longer distances, he wouldn't stand a chance. What about… Kenneth vs Gabriella?"

"Is that even a contest? Ken doesn't stand a chance against Gabi! The best thing he could do in a fight is make Gabi pity him so much that she forfeits."

"Such harsh words. I didn't think Kenneth was that bad."

"I mean don't get me wrong, when he's working on the heat diffusers, he's a natural. But when it comes to fighting… well, let's just say that there's a reason he's not a combat engineer."

"Fair enough. Hey, can I ask you a question?"

"I thought you already were."

"No, I mean like a serious question."

"Oh. Yeah, go ahead."

"You promise to tell the truth?"

"Geez, with this much buildup, I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle the question, but alright. I promise that I'll be honest."

"Thank you. So… what are we?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean us. The two of us. What am I to you?"

"Well, you're my commander, and one of my best friends."

"No, I mean, we've gone through so much together. The geth, Saren, the Collectors, the admirals, the Reapers, all of them. You've been right next to me for all of it. Now that it's all over, where does that leave us? When you're able to leave for Rannoch, are you going to leave all of us behind?"

"John, I wouldn't. I couldn't! I don't know if you knew this, but those two years you spent being rebuilt by Cerberus were the hardest years of my life! You're important to me John. I don't know how I could live without you."

…

"Tali, do you really mean that? Even in the state I'm in now?"

"Is that what this is about? John, I don't care if you don't have any legs! I don't care that you don't have an arm! We can just get some prosthetics. Hell, even if you were just a head, I wouldn't care. What I care about is you, and you are still one of the nicest people that I've ever met; with or without legs."

…

"Thanks Tali. It's… really nice to hear that from you."

"Don't mention it. A few kind words are the least I can do for having our, I mean my homeworld back."

"You know, you keep on saying that. When will you be able to fully repay me for Rannoch?"

"I'm not sure if I ever could. You're truly one of a kind John. No one could do even a fraction of what you've accomplished."

"You're too kind. But really, thank you. What you said means a lot to me."

…

"Oh yeah, there's something I forgot to mention!"

"And what's that?"

"Well, you remember the time Garrus and I had our little talk alone?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, during our discussion he said some… interesting things involving you. Do you know what they were?"

"No, I don't think so…"

…

"Oh keelah, John I'm so sorry! I would've told you sooner, but I was so nervous, and with the collectors and the Reapers everything was happening so fast, and I didn't want to make you distracted or upset, and I'm a quarian, and you deserve someone who you can see all the time, and someone who can take off their suits, and someone who can kiss you on the cheek without having to be in a decontamination chamber, and then I thought you might've been dead, and, and… and I thought that you wouldn't feel the same way towards me…"

…

"Wait, what?"

"You, you were saying how Garrus told you I liked you, right?"

"Uh, I don't how to tell you this, but… Garrus never said anything about you 'liking' me."

"Wait, what!? Then what did he say about me!?"

"It was just some silly story about how you got really drunk while I was gone. That's not important right now though. You 'like' me?"

"Well, I mean, yeah, maybe a little…"

"For how long?"

…

"Around 3 years."

"And you never told me?"

"Well, I was about to. Twice, actually. After we left the Rayya, and when we were at Rannoch."

"Why didn't you?"

"What was I supposed to tell you? 'Hey Shepard, savior of the entire galaxy, would you like to go on a date with a filthy buckethead?'"

"Don't say that. You're an important member of the crew. But more importantly, you're a good friend. One of the best I've ever had. And, if you'd be interested, I would love to try make this work. I care about you Tali. I don't care if you're a quarian. I don't care that I can't see your face all the time. Hell, you could be a krogan under that helmet, and I wouldn't care. As you said, what I care about is you, Tali. Nothing as dumb as your race will change any of that."

"You mean it?"

"Of course I do."

"Well, i-if you didn't want this, I'd understand completely. I mean, I'm anxious, I'm always nervous, I have this really loud snore sometimes, and-"

"Tali, I want this."

"O-okay. Well, good. I think I'm going to go for a bit. I… need to think about this for a bit. If you need anything, just call."

"Sounds great."

This… doesn't feel real. John just told me that he wanted to make this work. Make us work! I can't contain my excitement. John likes me! John likes me! I can't write anything else, I'm just so excited. John likes me!

[Update]

January 22, 2187

1911 hours

You know, ever since I had _the_ _talk_ with John, I've totally forgotten about this whole diary thing. Forgive me, but I've had more… exciting things on my mind for the past few days.

Speaking of John, he was just let out of the hospital earlier today. He's going to have to come back every once and a while to make sure everything's going smoothly. Other than that though, he's out! Unfortunately, I think his enjoyment is a little stilted by the fact that he's still bound pretty thoroughly to his wheelchair. That wouldn't be too much of a problem, except for the fact that even with the month to prepare, the city is nowhere near fully rebuilt. At this point in time, we're lucky to even have a somewhat functioning extranet; much less ramps set up for handicapped people.

That reminds me, we've actually been able to contact the Flotilla! Apparently, while the relays aren't fully repaired, as long as it isn't completely obliterated, someone can send out a message across space at any time. Granted, it has to be an unprotected one directed towards an entire system, as the damage to the relay makes it impossible for precision messaging, but that's not important right now. A couple of days ago we sent out a message checking on the status of all of the different fleets, along with schematics on how to use the relay to message back. We got a message from the Flotilla saying that anywhere from eight hundred to a thousand ships were destroyed in the fight. With the destruction that I've seen on Earth, I would've expected to see the losses to be much higher. Apparently, they also have had great progress in fixing the relay. The prediction is that in about two months, their relay will be fully functional.

There was one other bit of news that they brung up. Apparently, all known geth that exist have all simultaneously stopped working. To be honest, I should've seen this coming. After all, EDI was destroyed by the blast, why would the geth serve any better? Now, there could be a way that the geth could still be out there, but it's so unlikely that it may as well not be considered. Simply put, it'd involve a safe network detached from the main servers that had protection from a synthetic destroying bomb. Again, it's so unlikely that there's no reason to even think that it would've been possible, much less actually done by the geth.

You know, that news hit much harder than I thought it would. For years I hated the geth. I had dreams where geth were hunting me down, and I'd always wake up right before they would shoot me. I shot down hundreds of them in the fight against Saren, and plenty more between then and Shepard's revival. But, I don't know. After Legion and Rannoch, I think I've learned to respect them. They came about because of our mistake, and only fought back when we tried to destroy them, and just when we were beginning to understand who they really were, they're all destroyed just like that. It just doesn't feel right. I guess the ancestors thought I was having too much joy over John, and felt like they had to try and get another blow in before letting me live for once.

But at least John is alive. He's alive, and he's mine. Keelah, that still feels wrong to say. I've gone for so long thinking John was some kind of unattainable feat of love that even the idea that he'd be even remotely interested in me is… surreal. It feels like none of this is real; like I'm stuck in some sort of dream that I've built for myself. This just can't be real, can it?

Well, as far as I can tell, it is real, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Maybe I'll write in this thing again, maybe not. I don't know. Maybe someday historians will look back at this thing and study it as some form of historical reference or something. Wouldn't that be ridiculous? Some girl's boy troubles considered an important part of history! What a joke!

Well anyway, I guess that's all. John said he wanted to celebrate leaving the hospital with a late night date, and I'd hate to keep him waiting.

[Came Home]

April 6, 2187

1123 hours

-  
Oh geez, I haven't updated this thing in over three months? How the time flies! Well, I guess I should give a little recap on what's going on.

So, for one, John and I are still together, so that's good news. I've heard stories of some relationships that didn't even make it through the first month, and I was kind of worried. I remember telling Garrus this, and he said that the only people who have that problem are students and prostitutes. I can't say that I was the biggest fan of the way he put it, but he did have a point. John and I have been through a lot together. I have no idea what could possibly tear us apart at this point.

Second of all, we've finally been able to travel back to Rannoch! We were some of the first people to be able to use the relays, and John insisted that we go to Rannoch. He's too kind for his own good, I swear. Anyway, we got there, and it was… better than I thought it'd be. Believe it or not, I saw someone take off their glove right in front of me and John just to take care of something in it. That implies two things. One, that obviously at least some people have adapted to the point where they can take their suits off at least for a little while, and that people take off their suits often enough to be able to get something in them to begin with. It's weird, but in a good way. Gives me hope that someday I'll be able to get away with living suitless with John. We'll see about that.

But that's not all that happened at Rannoch. We got to see everyone for the first time in months. To be fair, other than Raan, there weren't all that many people that I really needed to see, but it was nice regardless. Reactions to John and I were mixed though. There are certainly worse bondmates than a human in a quarian's eyes, but that doesn't mean that people are okay with it. Dating a human would be considered scandalous, if not treacherous for even your average quarian, much less an admiral. Of course, having the human be Commander Shepard lightens the blow a little bit, but it's not like he makes everybody fine with it; not that I really care. I'm not going to leave John over some stupid xenophobic idea of quarian superiority.

At least Auntie Raan was alright with our relationship. In fact, I think that she offered to officially make us bondmates, if our relationship ever got that serious. Maybe someday. For now though, I'm just happy to be able to lay next to him at night, falling asleep in his arms.

If I may talk about the temporarily disbanded Normandy crew for a bit, most of them are doing pretty well. We've all been keeping in close touch with each other. I think we all remember how distant we all got after the destruction of the SR-1, and are trying to make sure that doesn't happen again.

But as far as everybody is doing, I guess I'll start with Kaiden. He's been working on building up his biotic group that he had before the whole Reaper invasion. Joker's been doing a lot of cargo runs around the system. James is working on the recently reformed N7 program, and and Cortez has apparently taken a temporarily taken a construction job. Liara is coordinating resources to different systems for the Alliance, while Garrus I believe said something about maybe trying to become a Spectre again. I have absolutely no idea what happened to Javik. After the Reapers were destroyed, he just sort of disappeared. It's really strange. You'd think that someone would've noticed a living prothean walking right next to them, but maybe that's just me. Trainer's overseeing repairs of the Citadel, Ken, Gabi, and Adams are jumping from project to project, and Dr. Chakwas is still working on Earth. The only one left to talk about would be John, but I think we already know what he's doing.

Keelah, I almost forgot to mention, John and I are getting a house built on Rannoch right now! For a while, we've just been living on the ship we came here on. It's comfortable enough, but I'm starting to like the idea of having my feet on solid ground more and more. I think I'm done with the whole saving the galaxy thing for a while. If the rest of my life involved me laying around and doing nothing, I think I'd be alright with it. Who knows? Maybe we could start a family or something. Should probably wait until John and I are truly bonded before I start worrying about kids, but whatever.

For the first time in years, I don't know what I want to do with my life. For the moment, John and I are taking a sort of prolonged vacation, but once that's over, are we going to go back to military life? With John's injuries, I wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to go back to the Alliance. I guess we'll see about that. Right now, I don't think we need to worry about any of that. John and I have done all that we've needed to for the galaxy. We can rest now.


End file.
